At certain times of the year I feel as though my heart gets a little heavier each time I leave the house in the morning, drive 45 minutes to work, and sit at a desk... surrounded by photos of my sunshine... counting down the minutes till I can go home and be with her. The worst part is, by the time I get through the day and the 45 minutes driving home, I am exhausted by the time I get through the door and then I have to quickly figure out what I'm going to make for dinner. Usually my sweet girl is a fussy, tired, missed her Mommy all day, kind of girl that follows me around the kitchen either crying "EAT?!?" or "Momma, come" as she grabs my hand and tries to drag me to go play with her. Add the frustrations of the day to my exhaustion, and then the lingering thoughts of awaiting homework that I must get done, and I become a very unhappy person that can barely stop to enjoy the limited time I have left in the day to spend with my sunshine.
When I first went back to work after having Audrey, I cried at least once per week for months after I would leave work. I would add up all the hours that I missed being with her, hearing her new little sounds, seeing her sweet smiles, and sharing endless, wonderful staring contests that I almost never lost. I talked to multiple sales people, skilled at roping in sad, desperate new moms into their ridiculous pyramid schemes. I also thought of all the different things I could make and sell... but then realized all the money I was spending trying to make the things that I probably wouldn't be able to sell because there are probably hundreds of other desperate moms out there making the same types of little flower clips and bows. I don't have the types of business skills to go very far with that.
Thanks to the amazing weather we have been recently blessed with out in the midwest, all I want to do it be outside playing with my daughter. Instead I am stuck in front of two computer monitors in front of me, a large touch screen tv on the wall behind me showing lovely pictures of spring flowers and vacation destinations, a hallway of elevators to my right, and a glass wall to my left... completely disconnected from the beautiful outdoors and 45 minutes away from my sunshine.
In less than two weeks now, my baby girl will be starting her first school experience at a daycare only a few minutes from my office building. Because of how excited she has been recently about learning and asking a million times per day "what's that?", I'm really looking forward to her soaking up all the knowledge she has been craving. I'm hoping that it will somewhat calm my "Blues". If anything, at least she will now be with me on my 45 minute commutes everyday, talking to me and asking me at least a dozen times, "Momma, what's that?" and I simply can't wait!
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